Archive for the ‘Wonk Wonk (What It Do)’ Category

Star Tracks: Forest + Keisha Whitaker

February 14, 2008

Star Tracks: Forest + Keisha Whitaker


Ha, I’ve been waiting to use that picture for days.

But I digress.

When Forest is around the panty pudding comes tumbling down. Sorry Keisha, I’m just telling how it is, ma. Mr. and Mrs. Whitaker held down Boston Common Magazine’s 2nd Anniversary Party on Tuesday night. The Last King of Wonkland and his Queen looked great as always.

I’m Just Saying . . .

January 22, 2008

I’m Just Saying . . .

A picture is worth a thousand words. Therefore, I don’t have anything to say about Jonathan’s wonk game.

Damn It!

November 14, 2007

Damn It!

Alright so you got me. Forest’s wonk game is almost untraceable in these pictures. You better enjoy this while you can because the second he slips up I am going to do a post about it.

The entire Whitaker gang came out to with mom to the Kissable Couture launch in Los Angeles last night. Awww, mini-whitakettes.

Earlier this month F Dubb teamed up to develop “DEWmocracy,” a virtual world that will allow consumers to create the next Mountain Dew beverage online. ‘Cause scattered eyes and soda go hand in hand.

You Know You Want To Smash

October 3, 2007
You Know You Want To Smash

Tell the truth and shame the devil, you wouldn’t hit this?

Shittar Schatar “Hottie” Taylor had a busy night at the 2007 Fox Reality Channel Really Awards on Tuesday. She presented, performed, and looked putrid. My hero.

I’m just saying, why is she always dressed like the low income housing version of one of these scary ass dolls?


Foot Soldier

September 12, 2007
Foot Soldier

Need more proof that we are living in the last days? Look no further.

Meet Carlton Davis.

The Minnesota man, 26, is facing felony charges for allegedly stealing a cell phone and purse from a woman he mugged on a St. Paul street early Saturday morning.

According to police, after the woman turned over her belongings, Davis announced, “Now I’m going to suck your feet.” Which he did, after the 24-year-old victim removed her shoes. Davis, who fled when passersby approached, was apprehended by cops a few blocks from the crime scene.

He was booked into the Ramsey County lockup, where his mug shot was snapped.

My soul’s publicist declined to comment.
[Thanks R Love & Ana]

The Hills Have Eyes

June 25, 2007

The Hills Have Eyes

BET Awards Backstage Creations Talent Retreat

I love Jennifer Holliday like long weekends and free cable but I never realized her wonk game was so strong. Seriously, her eyes are scattered like hash browns. It looks like if you press down on her eye lids those things are going to pop up like the dice inside that plastic bubble on the Trouble game board.

Yeah, I don’t think I am going to bother reproducing. I talk about people entirely too damn much.

[Thanks Reen for destroying me, thanks a lot.]

Hottie Wants Her 40 Acres And A Mule

May 22, 2007

Hottie Wants Her 40 Acres And A Mule

After the latest episode of Charm School aired on Sunday, Shittar Schatar sent an angry email to the VH1 blog staff demanding that it be posted. This negro is delusional.

Let’s keep it real. The judges should have kept it tight and reviewed the film the same way they did for the etiquette segment.

My character was defamed. This was obvious and clear bias. I was crucified – hung on an emotional cross!

Hugs don’t get it. We are out here in the real world.

I demand a PUBLIC APOLOGY from the girls and the judges, televised on VH1 and I demand my own Shopping Couture with Schatar from the VH1 network immediately.

At a minimum, Mo’Nique should have said, “Schatar if I am wrong about this, I will offer you an opening act on tour with me, the way I offered Goldie to go on tour with me and implied assistance to Krazy about her CD.”

My millions of fans would appreciate a publicized apology from the judges and the girls on the reunion show.

Also, VH1 can develop and air a show starring me called Shopping Couture with Schatar. I would look forward to collaborating with a reputable production company contracted with VH1 to develop and bring this show starring me to air within the next 6 months.

Schatar Taylor

Quick Quotes

May 8, 2007
Quick Quotes

Double the pleasure, double the tangled eye! You know you love it.

“I am the Tiger Woods of the screen. He calculates his moves and goes towards the winning stroke. That’s exactly what I did. It was about being strategic and knowing your opponent.”

“Also I played a gang leader on ‘America’s Most Wanted.’ Thanks to our episode they were finally able to apprehend the criminals and finally bring justice. As an actress you must be versatile. Just like the greats like Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Garner. You have to be versatile to play the role.”

“I am not a gold-digger. But I do believe in abundance and prosperity. I believe in living a lush life with couture and I try to live each day to the fullest.” — Schatar “Hottie” Taylor speaks candidly to BV columnist Jawn Murray

Throwing Shade

April 23, 2007
Throwing Shade

The Last King of Wonkland In Cape Town, South Africa

Whenever Forest Whitaker’s wonky eyes are covered the planets align, squirrels hum “Zippity Doo Da” and pixie dust falls from the sky. Enjoy this magical moment while you can because he will be back to his normal, tangled ways before you know it.

Keyshia Cole & Lorena Cartagena (Fat Joe’s wife) At Mansion In Miami, 4/20

Keyshia a/k/a Assless Chaps wearing a pair of sunglasses inside a nightclub may not be a big deal to you but it is enough to make me pace the floor at night clutching my pearls.

Is she hiding from the flash of the paparazzi’s lightbulbs? Did she accidentally poke one of her pupils while trying to apply eyeliner? Did Youg Jeezy blackout during a session of love making and serve her ass up with a two piece special? What in the I-wear-my-sunglasses-at-night hell is really going on?

Scott Storch & DMX Also At Mansion

I’m not even chartering into this territory on a Monday morning.

Way To Go Ol’ Wonky Eye!

April 17, 2007
Way To Go Ol‘ Wonky Eye!

That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for tangled eye mankind.

Forest Whitaker snagged Oscar, Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild trophies this year for his role as Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. On Monday he cemented his winning streak with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Guests included Kiefer Sutherland, Angela Bassett and Whitaker’s wife, Keisha, and three daughters, Autumn, Sonnet and True.

The ceremony came the same week as the DVD release of The Last King of Scotland.

Not to take away from his day but they have been giving stars away like free crab rangoon samples in the mall’s food court. I’m receiving one next month.