Archive for the ‘The Captain Obvious News Report’ Category

Quick Quotes

January 4, 2008

Quick Quotes

“You’re up on YouTube, half of your face has red makeup, the other half green, and your hair is barely combed. How you gonna let people see you like that? Someone is pimping Lauryn right now. A true friend would say, ‘You have to check yourself into a psychiatrist.’ I reached out a few times. I spoke the truth to her, but I realized I wasn’t speaking to her but one of her personalities.”

– – Wyclef on Lauryn Hill to Giant magazine [quote via BV’s Entertainment Newswire]

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No Shit

November 8, 2007

No Shit


I love it when things I bitch about come to fruition.

Jennifer Lopez finally confirmed her pregnancy during her performance at Miami’s American Airlines Arena on Wednesday night. While no one really seemed to give two wet farts, the announcement caught Skeletor off guard.
After Lopez broke the news, she turned to her husband of three years and said, “I hope you don’t mind.”

Anthony shrugged his shoulders, caressed Lopez’s belly and leaned over to kiss it, saying, “No, I don’t mind at all. … I didn’t know she was going to talk.”

“This is a special time in our lives,” Lopez said from the stage, People magazine reported. “And we waited until the last show to tell you.” Now, she added, the couple will “go away for a while.”

Thank God for small favors.

No Shit

July 31, 2007

No Shit

Star Jones has revealed in a first person essay for Glamour magazine that the “medical intervention” responsible for her dramatic weight loss was the result of undergoing gastric bypass.

In other news, scientists have discovered that water is wet, fire is hot, and Al Reynolds is as zesty as an entire bottle of A1 steak sauce.

Reynolds, who weighed 307 pounds at her heaviest, says her ”out-of-control behavior” began around her 40th birthday in 2002. Feeling lonely, she turned to food for comfort and gained 75 pounds over the course of 17 months.

”I used to look in the mirror and take pride in my figure, but that was when I was legitimately a full-figured woman,” she says. ”I’d gradually gone from full-figured to morbidly obese.”

Reynolds opted for surgery after a friend expressed concern about her weight. It was a success, she says, though she found she was ”still consumed with the same anger, shame and insecurity as before.”

Her husband, banker Al Reynolds, encouraged her to begin psychological therapy in the summer of 2005. She learned, among other things, that she ”couldn’t control what others thought,” she says. She began to heal by talking openly about her weight loss to strangers.