Archive for May, 2005

Oh GOD. Kill Me Now

May 31, 2005

tyra

Watch my show dammit or I’ll put a voodoo spell on you and your eyes will look like this!


“Tyra is a very impressive person; she’s obviously more than a model,” Robertson said. “It’s her appearances on ‘Oprah’ that we looked at and said, ‘If there’s ever a future Oprah, she could be the one. “

I loved watching ANTM (no homo) like the next person but I don’t think I could deal with a Tyra Banks talk show. I remember her appearing on an episode of 106 and Park last year to promote the new season ANTM and she mentioned that she was in the process of creating her very own talk show. I’m thinking in my head “yeah right, who would want to tune in for that forehead every weekday” but her actions actually have come to past. Be on the look out for it hitting a FOX station near you this fall. Let’s pray that it does a little better than The Ananda Lewis show (damn, I know she still wishes she was at MTV some days).
In ANTM related news, Eva “the diva” has been dropped as the spokeswoman for Apple Bottoms. Who’s the replacement killer? Melyssa Ford. I’m not shocked because the clothing line is called Apple Bottoms and Ms. Ford is killing ’em now days (no homo for this entire paragraph). In my opinion (which is the only one that matters) she is hotter, point-blank-period. Sorry Eva! Didn’t watch that season of ANTM due to the fact I was off at school. Maybe if I had the luxury I would feel differently but I didn’t so oh well. “Past winners of “Model” have complained that their careers never took off as promised. ” Yeah, right. I don’t think you can blame the show completely. Each individual is ultimately responsible for their own career. Hate it or love it.
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Quickie

May 31, 2005
What’s good everybody? Hope everyone is feeling relaxed and less bloated from this past weekend. I was unable to hit up any bar-b-que’s for the simple fact that the weather was pretty bad in this area. Tomorrow also marks the beginning of hurricane season for us people down in the southern states. I reside on the southeast coast of Georgia so we feel it pretty badly every year. So far so good, our roof has yet to blow off. Let’s keep our fingers crossed!
My time this weekend was also consumed with the task of trying to create a new, more efficient layout. I don’t know when it will be up but I’m trying to aim for sometime later this week maybe? It’ll be accordingly to how diligently I work on it. My, don’t I sound like an intelligent coon today! Anyways, how cool is Gigi Marie? She’s cool for the simple fact that I think she lives in Jacksonville or somewhere close by. I never, ever read anyone’s blog that is geographically close to me. So if you’re reading this Gigi, you’re the bestest. Plus I’m digging the list on Sephora. I might just go there now and create my own.

Trapped In The Closet Update…

May 28, 2005
  • I still haven’t officially heard the song yet but I did read the lyrics to chapter one and two. This shit is hilarious! It reminds me of a Eric Jerome Dickey book.

  • You ARE the fathers Rza and DMX (this hasn’t been a very good month for you has it?)

  • Lindsay’s Dad is going to be somebody’s bitch for a while.
  • Click here to find out which crackah ass crackah said 50 Cent would “would be the best boyfriend a girl could wish for.”

  • Listen to the parody of Akon’s “Lonely” for Lindsay Lohan called “Boney”.

People That Get On My FUCKING Nerves Part One

May 27, 2005

  • Usher. You are not Micheal Jackson. I repeat you are not Micheal Jackson.
  • Mad Linx (Host of Rap City). You ever notice that this nigga never has any guest on the show? True enough we had to deal with Big Tigger talking with his hands and rapping in the b0oth every now and then but its something we learned to deal with.
  • People who take blogging a little too seriously. Grab a hold of life.
  • Sylvia Rhone. I stopped believing in your “visions” a very long time ago when you said Whitney was going to leave Bobby. Yeah right! Those two are still in eightball heaven. Your voice also sounds like you’re suffering from emphysema. And how do you wipe your ass with those fingernails?
  • Chicks on Blackplanet / Migente / who insist on pouting their lips to “look sexy”. You don’t look hot, you look like a damn fool.
  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I don’t give a blue fuck about your relationship. Why should I be exposed to it everytime I turn on the picture box? I can stomach Ashton and Mary Kay Letourneau, erh, Demi Moore more so than you guys. And then you make my irritation reach new and profound heights by appearing on Oprah. With her sickening ass.
  • Aaron Carter. Straight outta Wiscompton! I can’t stand this little white boy because he’s the talent equivalent of Vanilla Ice.
  • Stedman Graham. Grow some nuts!
  • Black people who always blame “the white man” for everything. Your car broke down? Blame the white man. Can’t get an erection? Blame the white man. Your utilities were turned off because of a past due payment? Blame the white man. Lines long at Wal Mart? “Dem damn crackahs need to accept my damn application and we wouldn’t have this problem!”.
  • Eva Longoria. I think her pussy should come with both a warning and side affect label. I hope Mr. Parker didn’t tap that. Her last name kinda sounds like ghonerra now that I think about it…
  • The Black Eyed Peas. Everytime their music comes on I get a staggering migraine. I can’t understand for the life of me how anyone in their right mind can nominate you people for any award other than “most likely to blow up after you add a white girl with great abs”.
  • Bobby Valentino. Everytime I hear that song I want to scream. Plus you’re shorter than Ludacris thus legally making you a midget.

Shizzam!

May 27, 2005

dave



Shizzam! Am I the only person (jig) in America who doesn’t own a copy of the complete second season of Chappelle’s Show? Nigga’s on a budget! Got to wait til “da whiteman” cut my check. Until then I will be forced to do one of two things: watch the episodes I recorded myself or download it off the internet. I probably will no neither and just wait.

Before I bounce for the night, who saw the R.Kelly special last night on Barely Entertaining Television? (image courtesy of some site) I forgot all about it. Hell I haven’t even heard the song yet.

Jesus Walks With DMX, Just Hasn’t Called Yet

May 25, 2005

beyonce

It kinda looks like she’s farting in the pool. Like one of those wet farts that vibrate your coochie lips.

Summer’s almost here! Time to break out that malt liquor flavored popsicle and hit the beach.

I’ve been so preoccupied today with enjoying this Georgia sunshine that I almost forgot to post. I’ve also been spending most of my cyber time today grazing the comments at Bol’s site. It’s almost like a damn message board to me. I also love going there and reading different posts of his. Dang, lemme step off duke’s nuts real quick but its the truth. I’ve made aware of shit I never knew about before by just reading through the archives. BryanCrawford.com ROX [/end poser white girl] Anyway, Uncle Phil has been catching heat for his doo lately. Now with all this talk about bad hair nobody bothered to mention the old white chick from the church channel with the pink wig. Jan’s had the same damn wig every since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Speaking of Jesus (okay so I wasn’t really talking about Jesus but you get the connection)….

What’s up with DMX? I peeped the nigga on TV crying (BIG surprise huh) outside of a concert. While watching Room Raiders (shut the hell up) , MTV news came on reporting that after a talk with Pastah Betha aka Mase he has decided to remain a rapper instead of preaching for the Lord. I’m so glad that Mase talked some since into X. It would’ve been an embarassment to the whole Christian faith. First MC Hammer, then Mr. T pops yelling at the scream”he pitys the fool who isn’t saved”, and then Deebo from Friday tried to punk me out for not being born again via TBN. Next thing I needed was another damn rapper telling me I need to get right with the Lord. Like Jesus Shuttlesworth said in He Got Game, “they (entertainers / athletes) get caught smoking crack in a hotel room with 10 hoes then they find Jesus. They find Jesus alright.”
“I was ready to do that,” X said last week in Miami about
declaring his permanent estrangement from rap. “I talked to Mase. I said, ‘Dog!
I’m fed up with this rap sh–. I know the Lord. I know my true calling is to
preach the Word, where do I go from here?’ He was like, ‘As long as the Lord
gives you the talent to do what you do, do it. He’ll call you when he’s ready.
He’ll call you when he’s ready.’ “
And I’m so elated that he has yet to place that call. Praise Moses!

Best Crackhead Award

May 25, 2005

Crunk and Disorderly Lifetime Achievement Award For Portrayal of A Substance Abuser

samcrackhead

I love Samuel L. Jackson as a serious actor, Lord knows I do. I truly believe he did some of his best work when he played one of my favorite crackheads however. Let me take you back to his “Gator” days in Jungle Fever. Everytime BET shows this movie (which is about once every two months. BET needs to start buying the rights to more movies) I tune in just to watch it for Gator. Damn sure ain’t Wesley. He reminds me of a neighbor basshead I grew up with named Roy Lee. Now I would have to say that Roy Lee was a nice blend of Gator and Ezel from Friday. Not only could the bum entertain us with his dancing capabilities, he was very handy. Yardwork, washing cars, even making mixtapes. Ultra old school style – – on actual cassette tapes. Half of the people who were born after 1988 probably have no idea of what that is but that’s another subject.
Thank you Mr. Jackson for providing young people like me an insightful view of the trials and tribulations of an American dopehead.
But in (not so) recent years there has been one sole heir to the Hollywood crack throne. The crackhead from Menace II Society is a prime example of a raw, gritty fiend. Although I’ve seen the movie about 1,000 times I still don’t know his name. Hmm, maybe I’ll check the credits next time I watch Cain and O-Dog wrecking shit. I just love the way he can convey his passion for rocks. “Man, I’ll suck yo diccckkkk.” Now how many of us can say that we ourselves haven’t asked our neighborhood dealer that same very question? Or how he offered cheeseburgers in replace of money, smart thinking. Too bad this young man was gunned down before his star could shine.
This is all fiction however. For examples of real life rockheads we must turn to Bobby and Whitney.

Star Wars Jones

May 24, 2005

Star Jones looks like a damn alien from Star Wars in this picture. I just had to share. Her head looks huge, almost as big as Slim Thug. This shit got to be altered.

star

G Mail Account

May 24, 2005

Fuck that. Eliminate the middle man. Get a free G Mail account.

And if a man wants to take a vacation to Africa and come back and milk cows thats his say so.

PSA

May 24, 2005
Public Service Announcement #1: Black People Stop Making Movies About Hair Salons / Barbershops / Hair Shows

Beauty Shop
Beauty Shop: Under New Management
Nora’s Hair Salon
Hair Show
Barbershop
Barbershop 2: Back in Business

Here’s in inside tip for you: It’s no longer a new concept.

Public Service Announcement #2: Black People Stop Having Madea Film Festivals On Family Gatherings / Holidays I’m so sick of sitting through Tyler Perry’s movies! It’s not funny after the first 200 times people. I don’t see how my family sits there everytime we have a function and laugh at the television as if it’s their first time seeing it. And most of the time it’s not even that damn funny. We’re not going to talk about all that terrible ass singing they do in the movie either.

Public Service Announcement #3: Black People Stop Taking Your Stupid Ass On Maury For Free Paternity Tests If you don’t know who your babydaddy is you have a problem. That doesn’t require you however to take your ass all the way to New York to find out who it is, even if it is free. Somethings are priceless. Oh say, like self respect? But I see that’s not important to everyone. Especially the not-so-occasional guest who have been on the show four times with fourteen different men testing three kids. Stop embarassing yourself.

Public Service Announcement #4: Black People Stop Passing Out When Maury Says “You Are Not The Father!” Get your big ass off the floor and go call up some more potential candidates. Nobody told you to run around on stage saying you were 100 percent positive.

Public Service Announcement #5: Black People Stop Passing Out When Maury Says “You Are The Father!” Get your big ass off the floor and go collect your child support.

Stupid spoofs.